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if you dream there is bravery and there is fear

13 Aug

I hadn’t been so afraid of dreaming in so long. The last was way back in my late teens or around the time I was 20. I had dreamt such a terrible dream about my cousin that took my whole being away from me. I cried.

I honestly didn’t have any fight in me to battle another dream like that. I couldn’t find the courage to protect myself. I feel so tired and beaten by a hollow feminine voice, a voice faceless and nameless. And in the end, I am injured physically and emotionally. The day has only started yet my energy is drained.

Sleep paralysis- Hypnagogic vs Hypnopompic.

Both of them are bullshit not in the sense that they aren’t real, because they are, but because of what they do to a person.

I’ve battled Hypnopompic plenty of times. Waking into numb state, speechless and only able to see without actually having your eyes open. I’ve been there many times, more than I’d like to count. Like this, I can handle. I know what to do. I can slip under and not feel afraid, so afraid.

But this morning at 3:45, I felt a great wave of fear rush over me. That was because of Hypnagogic was something I wasn’t used to. I don’t wake up in the middle of falling asleep. In a span of 10 minutes, it happened thrice. It’s scary to fall under, to hear an unfamiliar malice voice right beside your ear and your go to comfort protective stance is taken from you. She tells you things that you can’t remember, but her figure lingers in your head enough so that when you wake and stay awake, she remains.

I strained a lot of myself those three times just so my sister could wake me up. I am lucky that I shared a room otherwise, I have no idea how I could have woken up from any of those. I feel like crying, honestly.

I suggest that if you have experienced something like this and not just occasionally, but more than you could remember, go get help. I would. I just feel so beaten up and it shows even when I’m awake.

Why is it scarier to have a feminine figure put their weight on me than a man? Why is it that I can fight all the male figures, but never the female? Says a lot in my real life.

 

I haven’t had lucid dreams in a long time and as much as this was a very lucid sleep paralysis, I’d rather not relive it. So, if you’d like to know more, I’ve created a list.

http://dream-hacking.com/sleep-paralysis/

http://dream-hacking.com/sleep-paralysis/

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-paralysis

http://www.buzzfeed.com/carolinekee/sleep-paralysis-is-scary-af#.ie6yPlaKG

 

But beware of reading further. If you’ve experienced this before it could be cathartic to know more, or it could scare the shit out of you even more.

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Posted by on August 13, 2015 in Dream Diary

 

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